


breathe

by laconicGhost



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up, dont worry theres a happy ending, konoha is literally there for two seconds too so //shrugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-06
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2018-02-28 08:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2724866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laconicGhost/pseuds/laconicGhost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had to keep himself together, he reminded himself. Don’t get so freaked out over some boy you have a crush on. </p><p>("But he’s not just 'some boy'. It’s Koutarou, and I love him," his mind would reply. Sometimes Akaashi wouldn’t be able to find a response to that and just left the conversation hanging like that.)</p><p>God, he was so stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	breathe

**Author's Note:**

> happy birthday keiji

Bokuto's eyes were the things that grabbed Keiji's attention first when he walked into the gym his first year. They were striking, pools of honey gold that Akaashi eventually wanted to spend hours getting lost in, days staring into, and years memorizing every fleck of amber. He had to learn how to keep himself at a safe distance so he could focus on the ball when he was on the court, but he swore he could feel those eyes lingering on him when he wasn’t looking.

_“We need to stop.”_

Keiji’s second year was when things began to change. Being the vice-captain brought along new opportunities for the two of them to be alone, and soon enough Bokuto eventually summoned the courage to approach him. Turns out Keiji had been right: Bokuto had been smitten with him for a while but didn’t know how to ask him about it. Things between the two of them started to shift, the two of them getting caught up in lengthy kisses in the broom closet and nearly getting caught by their teammates on several occasions. Things would have been great all year if Akaashi hadn’t messed everything up.

The dark-haired setter knew about the fact they were a year apart, and they wouldn’t be together as often as they were forever. He was always anxious about graduation lurking in front of them, but when he found that that was all he could think about whenever the two of them were together he began to unravel. He had to keep himself together, he reminded himself; don’t get so freaked out over some boy you have a crush on. ("But he’s not _just_ some boy. It’s _Koutarou_ , and I _love_ him," his mind would reply. Sometimes Akaashi wouldn’t be able to find a response to that and just left the conversation hanging like that.) Unfortunately, when his attention began to suffer, he needed to do something about it.

_“It’s not you. It’s me.”_

The last thing Bokuto had asked him was if he loved him, and Keiji looked him in the eye and lied to his face. “ _No_ ,” he had said, and he could feel the crack in his voice and if he said anything else he would have shattered, so he shut his mouth. The other boy broke his gaze first, looking to the ground as he smiled weakly in an attempt to cover up the heartbreak. He tried to keep his tone cheerful, but Akaashi knew he was trying not to break down in front of him. He turned on his heel and left before he started crying himself.

Bokuto’s dejected modes came more frequently when they played. Keiji tried to play them off and kept setting. Those eyes that Keiji loved so much seemed dimmer than usual. A month went by painfully slow, and neither of them seemed any better off than they had been when they first broke up.

_“I’m sorry.”_

Keiji anticipated the hurt having to come with being near his ex.

What he didn’t anticipate was having to share a hotel room with him when they were out of town for a tournament. He was obviously against it in the first place, but he felt like the rest of the team could feel the tension between the two of them and decided that having the captain and vice-captain share a room would help work out the kinks in their relationship. _This was probably Konoha’s idea_ , the vice-captain thought bitterly as he finished brushing his teeth and exited the bathroom. Whatever the case, he was _not_ going to take it out on Bokuto. That would be the worst thing he could possibly do, and he was pretty sure he didn’t want the wing-spiker hating him anymore than he already did.

And that was already probably a lot.

"Your turn," Keiji said quietly, putting up his placid expression as he made his way to the center of the room. Bokuto was on his cell phone, tapping out a quick message before giving the second year a thumbs up, putting on a smile even though it was paper thin and Keiji could see right through it. Akaashi had to bite his tongue so he wouldn't spout any nonsense even though guilt was tearing him apart.

It wasn’t until Bokuto went into the bathroom that Akaashi sat down on his bed, letting out a long and empty sigh. He felt awful, having to share a room with his ex the night of a big game far from home and he was the reason that things got jumbled in the first place. Being around Bokuto was tiring now, as he wasn’t able to keep up with the shifts in the spiker’s moods. The highs were exhausting and the lows brought Keiji with him. It was difficult to even talk to him about volleyball now, but the two of them were trying their best to make sure the rest of the team wasn't affected by their discomfort.

If he was being brutally honest with himself, Keji missed having conversations with him that weren’t about volleyball: those dumb little conversations with him about where they were going to go eat for lunch, or what kind of shampoo that Akaashi used ( _“Your hair smells so nice, Akaashi!” he said after nuzzling into the second year’s hair one night, and Keji swore he’d never buy another brand of shampoo again_ ), but he had to remind himself that he was the one that initiated their breakup, he shouldn’t be the one to be thinking these things.

Keiji looked over to the bed adjacent to his own, blankets strewn all over the floor and clothes thrown everywhere. That’s right, Bokuto was a messy sleeper, jutting out nearly everywhere if there wasn’t someone lying next to him who he could wrap his arms around.

He had to look away when that familiar pain clenched his chest and their final real conversation replayed in the back of his head. He sighed, taking a deep breath in and out as his eyes searched for something else to look at. He blinked when he noticed Bokuto’s uniform balled up on the floor and he sighed again, getting up from his seat to hang it up like his own.

He held it in his hands for a few moments, staring at the four printed in the middle of the jersey hard as the hollowness in his chest began to ache again. He bit his lip, debating something over with himself as his eyes traced over every single stitch that ran down the v-neckline of the top half of the uniform. His resolve crumbling, he took a quick glance at the bathroom door, making sure he still heard the shower running before he turned and hugged the jersey to his chest, breathing in and out again.

_You can do this. You can get through a single night, Keiji. Do it for yourself and prove you can get through it without doing anything stupid. Bokuto doesn’t deserve your attitude. Relax._

...

Okay.

Okay, he was alright now. He quickly hung up the rest of the uniform and frowned at the wrinkles that remained from the clothing’s time in Bokuto’s hastily thrown together suitcase, brushing along them with his thumb before he shook his head and dropped his hand.

Stupid.

Things were over between the two of them now and it was his own damn fault for getting too attached. Just move on already.

(He knew he was lying to himself, and he’d never be over Bokuto Koutarou.)

Instead of wallowing in anymore self pity, he made his way over to his own suitcase, shoving the travel sized tube of toothpaste he had been holding onto since he had left the bathroom back into the front pocket as he rummaged for his phone. Unlocking it, he was blinded with the bright screen cutting through the dimness of the room like a knife. He blinked away the preliminary lack of sight before he looked down and-- son of a _bitch_.

Akaashi was reminded that he was an idiot when he found himself staring at a picture of the two of them. They both looked happy and the Fukurodani vice-captain felt the full force of hurt smack him in the face again, immediately regretting that he hadn’t changed his background the first opportunity he had. He shook his head and instead continued doing what he had unlocked his phone for in the first place. He looked for any news, half wanting to see a new message from _anyone_ (hell, he’d even take _Kuroo_ at this moment) but his screen was blank, no new notifications from anything. He briefly debated sending an angry text to Konoha to blame him for the sleeping arrangements before deciding against it. It probably wasn’t even his fault and Akaashi was over thinking things.

His phone pinged while he was in thought and he looked down to see a notification from none other than the third year himself. He checked it, half expecting to see a joke from the blond at his expense, but instead found something that confirmed his suspicions about everything in the first place.

         [from: Konoha Akinori]

         [before you blow a gasket, this is not my fault. don’t do anything stupid.]

He threw his phone down in frustration across the room instead of replying, hearing the crack of plastic colliding with the wall before it bounced to lay in the center of the room.

Akaashi was starting to worry that he really was going to do something stupid. He shut his eyes tightly, balling his hands into fists as he heard the shower shut off in the bathroom. Take a deep breath and relax. He’ll ask if something’s wrong with you, and you don’t need to make him worry. Slowly but surely, Keiji pulled the worst of his feelings down to a manageable level just as Bokuto finished up his time in the bathroom and opened the door.

The captain made a disgruntled sound when he tripped over something before making a chirp of surprise. “Oh, Akaashi, your phone…” he murmured. He reached down to pick it up, his vice-captain swallowing thickly before donning his mask of indifference he usually put on. Bokuto swiped along the screen with his thumb when he saw a crack jaggedly cutting through the otherwise perfect picture and frowned, looking up sheepishly. “If I did that, I’m--”

“No,” Keiji said stiffly. “That was my fault. I dropped it.” It was a lie, and an awful one at that because he was standing a good four or five feet away from where the device had been found, but Bokuto didn’t bring it up as he looked back down guiltily at the damage. Akaashi didn’t care what happened to his phone, just as long as Bokuto didn't try to unlock it now that it was in the his possession.

It was a few more moments, but Bokuto realized that he was staring at the blank screen before he blinked and shot his head up. “Sorry. I got distracted,” he said, laughing thinly while holding out the phone as he made his way over to hand it over. Akaashi shook his head and was already dismissing the apology when it happened.

Bokuto tripped over something he had left laying on the floor and fell face first into his setter.

Akaashi stumbled backwards, steering them left so they ended up falling on top of Keiji’s bed so he wouldn’t crack his head against the floor if they tumbled there. He felt something hard dig into his back when he made contact with the otherwise comfier landing but was too preoccupied with trying to breathe correctly to care what it was when Bokuto’s full weight fell on top of him. The wing spiker grunted on impact, immediately apologized and pulled himself off, falling silent very soon after.

Keiji froze when when he realized the position they were in. Bokuto was kneeling over top of him, those golden eyes seemingly staring right into his head, damp salt and pepper locks falling into that face instead of in their usual place in spikes. Neither of them moved for a few moments, completely silent except for the sounds of their breathing.

It felt like an eternity that they stayed like that.

After trying to avoid him for weeks, it was really the first time that Keiji had actually looked at him for a good while. And it was then that he realized that Bokuto looked as handsome as Keiji remembered he was. He reached up a hand before he could stop himself and brushed a few ivory hairs out of the captain’s eyes, fingers trailing down along his jaw.

“I’m going to kiss you, Akaashi,” Bokuto announced suddenly. It startled the setter, jerking his hand away from Bokuto’s skin, but as soon as those lips were overtaking his own he lost the fight in him. The kiss was gentle and sweet, and Keiji felt himself flashback to the past, to the first time the two of them ever kissed in the clubhouse. It was almost like the two of them had never been apart.

Bokuto pulled away too quickly, and Keiji wanted to lean forward and ask for another, but he stiffened when he realized what they had done.

 _Stupid_.

He threw his arm over his face to hide. He couldn't bring himself to look at the spiker kneeling overtop of him when Bokuto began to speak.

"Akaashi." His voice was firm, but his hand was gentle as it wrapped around his wrist and pulled his arm away from his face. "Akaashi, look at me."

Keiji couldn't and kept his eyes shut tight. He felt like he had broken a promise to himself, and he felt the fears of his captain leaving him lurching back into his mind. Bokuto couldn’t stay with him forever. He'd move on from having a fling with his high school volleyball setter and go on to get married, have kids, and at most Akaashi would become the best man at his wedding.

God, he was so fucking _stupid_.

"...Keiji."

Akaashi sucked in a gasp, feeling like he had been punched in the gut at the way Bokuto used his first name. The boy sounded hurt, his voice a near whisper and breaking Keiji’s heart with each syllable.

"Keiji? Keiji, _please_ ," he continued to plead, pulling his head down to rest in the nape of Akaashi's neck. The dark-haired boy could feel his breath blowing across his skin when he whispered to him, and he shivered. Bokuto continued. "What did I do wrong? I want to fix this."

“No.” The setter found his voice barely above a whisper when he spoke, raspy as it was hard to get the words out. “It’s my fault. I got too attached to you, and I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. I don’t… I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”

Bokuto raised his head to look back down at him, those usually wild golden eyes staring steadily back at him. Akaashi would have flinched if he hadn’t been looking at those eyes for two years now, but those piercing honey eyes still seared into his own charcoal ones. “Is that… is that why you wanted to break up?” Bokuto whispered, his eyebrows pulling together in concern. “You were afraid of me graduating?”

“Not just that!” Akaashi said quickly, flushing when he realized how stupid it sounded now that Bokuto had said it aloud. “I’m… I’m just….” God, he didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t want to pour his heart out, especially since he had been keeping so many feelings bottled up inside himself for so long. He’d end up drowning them both.

“Akaashi Keiji,” Bokuto said emphatically, cutting Keiji off from his train of thought. “I love you more than any other person on the planet. I could never, _ever_ find that again if I lost you.” The setter’s mouth opened, but his words stuck to his throat and he couldn’t find the right words to respond and Bokuto waited for an answer. When the seconds ticked by without Akaashi saying anything, his expression fell, moving away. “But if… if this is what you want--”

Keiji’s heart dropped out of his throat and fell into his feet.

“It’s not--!” He managed to prop himself onto his elbows now that Bokuto had scooted away from him enough that he could breathe. They were now a good foot apart, Bokuto sitting on his knees while Akaashi was still sprawled out across the entire bed. He quickly pulled his knees back to his chest, making the distance between the two of them even larger. Bokuto’s eyes flashed like lightning at his words.

“They why did you--?” Bokuto frowned, stopping himself while he was searching for words. “I mean, if you still wanted to be together, then why did we--?” He trailed off, the unspoken words between the two of them being swallowed by the silence of the room.

Keiji looked away from the heartache in Bokuto’s eyes. Why _did_ he do it? Akaashi wanted to go into the past just so he could slap himself in the face.

“I…” he made a face, biting down on his bottom lip as he paused. Bokuto was looking at him now, he could feel those eyes boring down on him and acting like a spotlight. Keiji was never good on a stage. He preferred to be in the dark, off the stage and helping the main players from the shadows. He cleared his throat. “I was afraid.”

“Of what?”

“...Being hurt.”

Bokuto furrowed those eyebrows of his, his confusion clear as day before he looked away. His voice was quiet. “So... you hurt me instead?”

Akaashi flinched, but he knew the words were true even though they stung. “I never said I was smart, Bokuto.”

The captain was already shaking his head, his lips pulled into a frown. “No. Keiji, you _are_ smart. You’re _way_ smart.”

“No, I’m not,” Akaashi countered, already beginning to miss how close they had been before. He tried to force those feelings back down where they had been stuffed before this whole mess even happened. “Marks are different than this. I didn’t… know that I hurt you that badly. I honestly thought that I was the only one head over heels, and I was going to be the one hurt in the end.” He swallowed thickly. “I was wrong.”

They were quiet. Bokuto licked his lips, his words trembling slightly when he spoke. “Why did you think that? Keiji, I love you. You’re so important to me, it hurts. Why did you think that I…” he stopped in the middle of his sentence again. Akaashi chewed his cheek, balling his hands into fists.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. Bokuto didn’t answer immediately after that, clearing his throat and coughing slightly before he asked his final question.

“Do… do you still love me?”

Akaashi was silent for a few seconds. “Do you really want to know?”

“Yes,” Bokuto nodded. “I need to know.”

Every cell in Keiji’s body screamed ‘yes’ at once, but to prevent himself from doing the same he had to hold his composure as he swallowed again. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, even though his heart clenched in his chest, and looked back to his captain.

“I do.”

Bokuto gasped aloud. “Really?”

Akaashi pressed his lips together, nodding. “Yeah. I… I still love you.”

It was another beat, one of the longest that Keiji had ever endured in his entire life, but the thing that broke it was a smile. Bokuto smiled, and it was genuine. One that Akaashi felt he hadn’t seen in an eternity, where those gold eyes would light up like stars and it sent Keiji’s heart into the stratosphere. Bokuto sighed, relief in the rush of air as he reached for Akaashi’s hand. Keiji let him take it.

“I want… I want to try again,” he said, and when Keiji frowned he shook his head. “I promise you, right here and now that I’ll never hurt you. And if I’m being completely honest, there aren’t any girls or guys who are as pretty as you are anyway.”

Even though the words made his heart soar, Akaashi bit his cheek. "I'm sorry. I never wanted... I never wanted to hurt you. I could understand why you wouldn't want to go through that again."

Bokuto blinked momentarily before he huffed and leapt to his feet, trying to bring Akaashi with him. “Come on, I want to do something.” The setter's eyes widened, his mouth opening in obvious protest, but Bokuto rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to wait all day for you, you know." Sure enough, shooting confused looks, Keiji got to his feet and stood in front of his captain. When Bokuto got down on one knee he flushed scarlet. 

"W-What are you--"

“Akaashi Keiji,” he announced loudly. So loudly Akaashi immediately feared that the rest of the hotel could hear and he flushed a deeper red. Bokuto grinned, squeezing his hand. “I understand things were... rough between us, but I still love you. Will you give us another chance?”

Keiji was at a loss. "More like will _you_ give _me_ another chance, Koutarou. You aren't the one who--"

“Shh! Is that use of my first name a yes?”

Akaashi stopped when he realized his mistake, but he nodded slowly. “If you’ll forgive me for what I did to you.”

Bokuto’s smile turned gentle. “Of course I will! I love you after all, why shouldn't I?” He stood back up, grinning wildly again as he bumped foreheads with the dark-haired boy affectionately. It felt nice, and Akaashi couldn’t help but smile.

They weren’t perfect, and things between them weren’t either. But they could fix things. They would have to.

“I love you too, Koutarou.”

They could finally breathe.

 

**Author's Note:**

> ive actually been writing this for like two months ive only just decided to finish it because its keijis birthday today ahaha// there are probably a ton of errors but ill fix those tomorrow i just really wanted to make sure that i got this out today while it was still the 5th so !! thank you for reading !!


End file.
